“Trust is built in very small moments.”
— Dr. John Gottman
Building Trust in Relationships: The Power of ATTUNEment
Trust is the bedrock of every strong relationship. Whether romantic, familial, or platonic, trust fosters emotional safety, connection, and long-term commitment. But how do we build and maintain that trust over time—especially through conflict, change, and vulnerability?
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, offers a science-backed model for cultivating trust through emotional attunement: ATTUNE. This acronym outlines essential skills for creating connection and empathy in relationships.
Let’s explore how the ATTUNEment model helps build lasting trust.
What Is ATTUNEment?
The word attunement means being in harmony with your partner’s emotional state. In Gottman’s model, ATTUNE stands for:
- Awareness
- Turning Toward
- Tolerance
- Understanding
- Non-defensive Listening
- Empathy
Each component of ATTUNEment strengthens emotional intimacy and, in turn, reinforces trust.
Breaking Down the ATTUNE Model
1. Awareness
This means being emotionally aware of your partner’s needs, feelings, and cues. Do you notice when they’re stressed, sad, or excited—even when they don’t say it out loud?
Awareness allows us to show up for each other in meaningful ways, proving to our partner that they are seen and valued.
2. Turning Toward
Trust is built in the small moments. When your partner bids for attention—through a question, a sigh, or a glance—do you respond?
Turning toward, rather than away or against, shows consistency and care. It’s how emotional connection is maintained day by day.
3. Tolerance
Differences are inevitable. Tolerance involves accepting your partner’s perspective, even when it challenges your own. It’s not about agreement, but about respect.
Trust grows when both people feel free to be themselves without fear of rejection or contempt.
4. Understanding
This means being curious, not critical. Seek to understand your partner’s inner world: their fears, dreams, and history.
When we feel deeply understood, we open up—and that vulnerability strengthens trust.
5. Non-defensive Listening
True listening is not about waiting your turn to speak—it’s about taking in your partner’s message without defensiveness or rebuttal.
This kind of listening de-escalates conflict and shows that the relationship matters more than being right.
6. Empathy
Empathy is the ability to feel with someone, not just for them. It’s the culmination of the previous steps and the emotional glue that bonds us.
Empathy tells your partner: “You are not alone. I’m here with you.”
Why ATTUNEment Builds Trust
Gottman’s research shows that emotional attunement doesn’t just improve communication—it builds a secure foundation where trust can thrive. When you are consistently emotionally available and responsive, your partner feels safe. They begin to believe: I can count on you. You’ll be there for me.
And that, at its core, is what trust is.
A Daily Practice
You don’t need a crisis to practice ATTUNEment. In fact, it’s best built in everyday interactions:
- Put down your phone and give your partner your full attention.
- Ask open-ended questions: “What was the best part of your day?”
- Validate feelings instead of solving problems.
- Stay curious when tension arises.
Trust is not a destination—it’s a daily practice of presence, patience, and emotional connection.
No relationship is perfect, and trust can be tested over time. But with the tools of ATTUNEment, couples can stay connected even through challenges.
By showing up emotionally, listening deeply, and responding with empathy, you can create a relationship where trust isn’t just a word—it’s a lived experience.
Schedule an appointment to learn how to incorporate Gottman evidence-based tools into your relationship.